What to Expect When Adopting

Not knowing how to manage your expectations can make an already turbulent adoption process, unbearable. God desires to guide us through the examination of our expectations to protect us from premeditated disappointments and inevitable discouragement.

When we began the adoption process we were immediately met with warnings everywhere declaring, “the wait is hard.” It felt like within minutes of embarking on this journey our GPS began yelling at us, “expect delays.” 

I quickly decided I needed to protect myself and others from disappointment. I didn’t allow friends and family a minute to celebrate the news that we were adopting before interjecting, “BUT don’t get too excited! It could take years.”

I remember the day God challenged me in prayer. “Did I say the wait would be long and hard?” With this question all my natural reasoning flooded my head like a wave of self protection. I felt defensive for a moment, but I knew that I had formed a belief based on worldly wisdom and not the Word of God. 

The truth is, expecting the worst to try to protect ourselves from disappointment requires no faith. And it doesn’t even protect us from disappointment! The Bible says without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6).

The Holy Spirit began to teach me about different kinds of expectations. One type of expectation puts faith in the wrong things, one requires no faith, and one places faith in Jesus alone. I am convinced without receiving this correction our adoption journey would be full of discouragement.  

Tona Ottinger wisely says, “The gap between our expectations and our reality is where discouragement, despair, and disillusionment can take root.”

God reminds me regularly that what I believe determines my experience. Taking time to examine the roots of my expectations has become the way I have guarded my heart in the waiting.

If we are not careful, our expectations can become premeditated disappointments.

Through out our adoption process God taught me three types of expectations. I learned that if we do not manage our expectations they will manage us.

1. Specific Positive Expectations

Example: I expect that we will match quickly and financial provision will come without effort because we are obeying God. 

This is an example of a seemingly positive expectation where we can put our hope in circumstances and a desired outcome over God. 

With this mindset, positivity can easily be disguised as faith. The reality is, when this was my expectation, my hope was placed on circumstances turning out the way I wanted them to. 

2. Negative “Realistic” Expectations 

Example: This is going to be a long, grueling process and it’ll probably take years before we adopt a child. 

This is an example of a negative expectation we often label “realistic” that leads us to forfeit our faith and hope. 

With this mindset negativity can easily be disguised as wisdom. The reality is, in this example I buried my hope in a self protective effort. 

3. Biblical, Faith-Filled Expectations 

Examples: 

I expect God will do exceedingly abundantly above what we can ask or think and it will probably look different than we imagine it (Ephesians 3:20).

I expect God will supply all our needs (Philipians 4:19) in whatever ways he sees fit. 

I expect that the length of our waiting (short or long) is designed by God and will be for our absolute benefit to prepare our hearts for what’s to come (James 1:1-4).

I expect God’s glory will be displayed through our testimony and His power will be manifest in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

These are examples of expectations based on scripture that are placed on God’s goodness alone, not on circumstances or people. 

Faith is often defined as the absolute expectation of coming good. Our expectations are an expression of our faith. 

Would you take a second to surrender with me any expectations that are rooted in circumstances, people, or wrong views of God? It’s a good practice to do daily. Behind all bad fruit like frustration, discouragement, and bitterness is a rotten root. 

Remember, giving up all of our expectations would be forfeiting faith. We are simply asked to lay down our expectations connected to a wrong belief or bad source. The Holy Spirit is faithful to bring these to mind when we ask Him. 

Once we surrender our wrong expectations we can boldly pick up expectations that are rooted in biblical assurances and the goodness of God.

When we don’t actively apply our beliefs to each circumstance we face, we can end up with theoretical beliefs rather than practical ones. 

A theoretical belief would be anything I believe to be true in my head but I haven’t applied to my circumstances and experienced good fruit from. There are often huge disconnects with what Christians profess to know and what our attitudes reveal we actually believe. Beliefs that aren’t applied to our lives in faith aren’t serving us at all. 

An expectant heart that trusts in God applies biblical beliefs to specific situations in faith. 

Dear hopeful adoptive parent, you may not be pregnant or matched yet with an expectant mother, but you can still boldly declare: you are expecting! 

Expect God will faithfully fulfill His promise to grow your family through adoption in His timing (Hebrews 10:23).

Expect that God will write the best story for your family as the Author and Finisher of your faith (Hebrews 12:2).

Expect that He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6). 

Be expectant!